Nov 4, 2010

Cherry Incense

November sucks, it really and truly does. It is a constant reminder of rain melting all the beautiful snow that just fell, a reminder of my summer tan fading, my hair darkening, and my leg hair growing rapidly. And it is a reminder that I will get NO sleep this month; I have so much to do, essays, group projects, assignments, readings I never finished .. God it sucks, and it is really getting me down. The CU prof's are voting to strike, and unfortunately (even though I think they are assholes for punishing us, the students, for their unfair wages) I almost hope they do strike, so I can get some damn time to myself to actually THINK about my schoolwork.
And this year it's different, usually I just breeze through, a little bullshirt here, a little effort there, and manage to pull off an A with very little effort or stress. But this year I care about my courses, I love them (well maybe not all the time) but they interest me, they intrigue me, and I want the work I do for them to be creative, inspiring, intellectually stimulating and challenging, and useful to me in my future studies. And I have artists block. I simple cannot spew out anything remotely creative. I sat today, for what felt like hours on end, just staring at my empty drawing pad .. and I couldn't think of a single thing I wanted to draw, sketch, paint or scribble. Even my default I'm-bored-let's-draw-naked-people didn't seem interesting.
I feel so irrelevant.
Even my outfit today was uninspired. In fact, I blew off kickboxing this morning, barely managed to make it to class this afternoon, and called in sick to work this evening. I couldn't even muster up the strength to visit my boyfriend on my way home .. and he usually makes everything seem better, or manageable at the least.
Irrelevant for sure.
Australia is coming up fast too. And I'm so excited but also my nerves are beginning to worry me, I have so many doubts and fears and insecurities, but I know if I can actually do this .. move to the other side of the world, where I don't know a soul, and have even the tiniest of a successful time meeting new people, making friends, backpacking without getting murdered, swimming without getting eaten by a shark, perhaps even attempting to stand up on a surfboard, living on my own for the very first time and facing my fears without curling into a ball and spending the entirety of my trip sobbing in bed .. I will feel great and accomplished.
Gabby told me tonight that I will grow up very quickly, being in that situation, and I kind of hope it's true, because as much as I like to think of myself as independent, I'm not, and I've never had a chance to be.
Outfit: American Eagle jeans ($8 Value Village), beige tank top (Smart Set), black ruffled button down (Costa Blanca), black studded boots ($20 Ardene), gold and black paisley scarf (Value Village), orange and brown bangles (Ardene), broken brown watch (KP's sock drawer), leather messenger bag ($300 Roots .. bday pressieeeee thx Boy).

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