Excitement

I JUST GOT MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER TO MONASH! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :) Beyond pleased with myself, the hard work has payed off!!! Now I just need to (literally) pay them off ...

Old Age

So tomorrow is my 20th birthday. It's kind of scary to think about, I spent a lot of time worrying last week about how I've been on this earth for twenty fucking years, and have done nothing of any significance or importance to leave my mark .. well that isn't entirely true, I'm sure you can see my carbon footprint from Mars .. man I just remembered I left a light on downstairs, be right back... Okay we're good .. See what I mean? All I've done with my time here is take stuff for granted, and leave a bunch of filth trailing behind me. My boyfriend would tell me I'm have an existential crisis .. this happens to me possibly more than any one I know .. about once a month.
Twenty .. Five times four. Ten plus ten. Fourty divided by two. Nope, doesn't matter how you say it, it still freaks me out. I guess because this means that I actually have to start taking responsibility for myself; I don't mean in the way of owning up to when I break shit, and not doing illegal things as much, but I mean that I need to start being more independent. I guess moving away from home for the first time and going to the other side of the world is a pretty good start for independence. But as that day moves closer to me all I want to do is curl up under my duvet with my dog. I'm scared of growing up.
I didn't accomplish what I thought I would have in my teens, I mean partly I did, if those accomplishments mean having a bunch of amazing, terrible, wonderful, dangerous and stupid experiences with some equally amazing, terrible, wonderful, dangerous and stupid people. I sure do have a lot of stories to tell, just not right now ... maybe in another 20 years I'll look back on all of it and laugh, but right now I just hope that no one finds out about my ridiculous teenage years.
Speaking of teenage years, does this mean that the "best years of my life" have gone by? If they have then I'm grateful that I spent most of them with friends who have been there for me for years, friends who will be there for me for many more, but that's also kind of depressing .. I'm still looking forwards to things! I still want to travel (and I mean more than just do some backpacking and an exchange) I want to love my job, I want to write something, I want to buy a cottage, I want to have kids and grow a vegetable garden, I want to skinny dip, I want to see poisonous animals, I want to meet crazy people and eat crazy foods. I want to learn how to cook something without burning it.
I guess I just worry that my life won't really be remembered as anything significant, and obviously I'm kind of shallow in that it is important for me to feel like I've left something to the world. I guess that's kind of what this blog is about, a shameless self indulgence in narcissism.
But there are some things I have accomplished that I'm truly proud of: making friends who have become family, making family into friends, surviving some important and significant relationships, going on special trips such as New York City, Montreal, Mont Tremblant, Dominican Republic, Panama and Curacao, learning how to deal with the death of very special people, getting good grades in University even though I dicked off a lot in high school, finding something I am intensely passionate about, putting my fears about the pain of a break up aside in order to enjoy the love of an amazing man, being a cheerleading coach and a counsellor (both of which are awesome jobs), and not being afraid to express myself; even though I'm weird and many people won't like me.

Should be Essay-ing

So I have an essay due tomorrow, for a class that I have been to once, and this essay is worth 50% of my grade. FUCK. We shall see how this goes .. as sooooon as I stop blogging and start actually writing it I'm sure I'll be fine.
This is my fabulous new tye-dye-ish sweater ($50 le Chateau), and jeans and a blue t-shirt. I belted it with my leather woven belt, but it is cute left open and swingy too. I'm overkill-ing this sweater already :) And also now boycotting le Chateau, I bought a top there and didn't like it once I got it home, so tried to return it, but apparently they just steal your money, and you can't return anything there anymore, only store credit. Lame.

Backpacks and Poutine

Saturday, right before my birthday party I went backpack shopping with my parents. I'd gone before with my dad and found a great backpack, but I wanted to check out a few more so I knew that without a doubt mine is the most comfortable. So we went to Bushtuhkah, and I found a beauuutiful one, 60 litres was a bit bigger than I wanted, but I can compress it if it isn't filled, which is a smart idea -I'd rather have too much space than not enough. So we bought it (happy birthday to me) and went on home.
The boyfriend offered to have a pre-drink at his apartment before we went to the bar downtown, so that was awesome, he was so well-prepared it was cute. The pre-drink was like the most successful amalgamation of my friends ever, my Orleans boys, my girls (the Family), my roomies, new school friends, and friends that I've met through boyfriend all came and seemed to really get along with each other, I think a few new friendships may have also started. It's an awesome feeling knowing that my friends all approve of each other, and even better knowing that they genuinely like each other.
Then we went to Patty Boland's, it was great, quite the shit show, and I kind of lost everyone when we left. I guess that's just the nature of clubs, but no body really said bye to me, so bf and I went to Zak's diner to wait for everyone, we got a table and only a few friends came by too drunkmunch with us. Then two other friends came, they were both really upset with their boyfriends, and I was asked outside to go have a smoke and listen to them (even though my food had just hit the table). So I went out, lit a cigarette, and within 2 minutes they both left .. so I was kind of stranded outside having a cigarette all alone, after I'd been asked to come out. I should have just pitched it and gone back inside but instead I overreacted and got pretty emotional. It upset me that people left without saying bye to me, it upset me that not many people joined us at the restaurant after, and it upset me that my girls just kind of ditched me for their boyfriends, after I came out, away from my boyfriend, to listen to them.
So obviously I started crying, which is embarrassing, but I just felt like if I had been a better friend to them they would have understood that leaving me out there all alone would have made me upset.
Anyways, it just sucks to feel like you aren't even a consideration in someone's thought process, but we were all inebriated and overly emotional, and I understand that having boy problems can sometimes get the best of you. The pre-drink was amazing, and the bar was pretty decent, and the next day was just terrible (obviously).

Learn Somethin New

I held a placenta today. In my midwifery class, it's fresh, not even 24 hours old, and the midwife just pulled it out of an ice cream tub (cherry frozen yogurt, HAH) and told us we could touch it. Now I was expecting it to smell like death or something but it didn't smell like anything, I still was on the verge of throwing up, because let's be honest, it's not the prettiest thing to look at, but once I touched it I was fascinated. To think that a baby was in there, a baby grew up in there, a baby grew up in there BECAUSE of the placenta, a human being who may become a president, a serial killer, or an economist, grew up in this blob of bloody tissue that I'm holding. It was incredibly complex but so simple at the same time. I was shocked at how heavy it was, apparently the placenta is 1/3rd of the weight of the baby, and the amniotic sac was very cool, there were 2 layers. But the best part was definitely the umbilical cord. As soon as I touched it I felt like I had touched the very bond between mother and child, it's so weird to think of it, but you are your mother, or rather she is you, you'll never be separated, because of the way that you, as a human, came to be born into this world.
Fucking trippy my friends.
Anyways, it all made me think of how badly I want to have children, and give birth, and also how very grateful I am for KP, who was only a bit older than I am now when she had me and the bro. Love you mom <3

The Dirty Old Town

Shane my love. A true punker.
Irish PRIDE (for the minute amount of Irish blood that I have, I am grateful).

Rotten cemetary rank with,
forgotten souls,
Ghosts of true melody dank with,
blushing coals,
Of the fire raked over,
Ashes,
Staining your fingers and tongue.

Sing Me To Sleep

All I want to do these days is sleep. I'm so tired. The ivory towers are crashing down all around me, eugh my ass is grass - thanks 3rd year. I don't understand how I breezed through first year, and even through second year with just a hint of effort, and a whole lotta bullshit. I guess the difference is this year, if I don't go to class I'm actually missing valuable information. But really, what is value. And what is the point of university? I should have gone to Algonquin, education there is a fucking joke (don't be offended Gonkers, it's true, my professor showed us the teaching mandates for Algonquin professors to instruct their students...hilarious shit, they have no faith in their students haha), whereas here it's like "If we confuse you enough and make up enough big words, you'll think we are wayyyy smarter than you and thus worth the thousands of dollars you are spending at this bullshit institution."
Like yesterday, yesterday I had to go to a speech by Laura Doan, who I'm sure is a smart lady, but who, I'm convinced, is full of shit because she actually said the word "historicity." SPEAK REAL PEOPLE LANGUAGE... god these assholes try soooo hard to outdo each other by using big words (which they claim are useful because they more specifically explain what they are trying to get at) but I doubt that they even know what these words mean half the time.
And the other half of the people who work at my uni are also idiots, they are being paid tons of money to manage my shit, and they can barely do a half-assed job of that without me nagging at them and begging them to get it done 50 million times.
I quite literally have lost count of all the times that I have been penalized and given ridiculous amounts of extra stress because my exchange program lady FUCKS SHIT UP. Bitches.
Anyways, I just keep telling myself that it will all be worth it when I'm waking up to warm weather and beaches every morning (well until I'm in res and then I'll just be waking up to brick walls, but outside those brick walls will be beaches and warm weather!).

Ignorance

Even when we were children things weren't that simple. We didn't know just how complicated they would get. No point in wishing to go back, only to go forwards.

You do not have a soul.
You are a soul.
You have a body.

Don't Ask Me Why, Don't Know

Chillin in bed listening to my Hair vinyl. Give me down to there - Hair! Shoulder length or longer. :)

Psych-Out

This weekend I watched the 1968 movie Psych Out. It's pretty damn awesome, the psychedelic style was intense, and you can almost smell incense while you watch it.
I also decided to hang some scarves from Afghanistan above my bed, I miss having a canopy but I'm not a princess and am far too old to pretend so this is kind of the closest I can get to curtaining my bed.

When the moon is in the 7th house

If I could only wear one kind of shoe for the rest of my life it would be wedges. Chunky, clunky, funky, punky, spunky, monkey, sexy wedges. Oh yesssss these are the shoes I love.
Walk on blocks.

You Say You Want A Revolution

Mmm, hooked up my record player to the huge ass speakers again and dusted off my vinyls :) Sooo pleased with life. Also have been burning disgusting amounts of incense while listening to said vinyls, it's just better that way. Healthier for your head :)

Pink scoop-neck sweater (San Fransisco), mauve tulip miniskirt (Urban Outfitters), black leggings ($18 Smart Set), black leather flat boots ($12 Value Village), mustard yellow bag (Winners), black and purple long necklace (Xmas present), Guess watch, pink empire crystal ring with swarovski crystal band (birthday present from Nanny).

Tapestry

I love this dress! It's Gabby's, from our clothing exchange, and it's a cream coloured knit babydoll type sweater dress, KP just hemmed it with iron-on lazy people's hemming solution, and now it's more tunic-y, since I'll only wear it with leggings. I'm wearing it with jeggings from Smart Set and my black leather boots ($12 Value Village). The necklace is something my parents brought back for me from Fiji, it's wood and stone, and my bracelet is a clear lucite bangle with a yellow and orange feathery thing trapped inside it (Le Chateau). The mustard yellow and brass purse is from Winners.
I also wore this cream knit dress with greyish brown wool tights from Walmart, the same black leather boots, a wooden bangle and KP's black chunky stone necklace and her brown leather Carriage watch.

Swiss Miss

Thanksgiving yesterday was awesome, boyfriend came, and we boycotted family since apparently all we throw are shallow family gatherings, and hosted turkey dinner for the family we made by choice :) It was awesome, we had amazing appetizers and hung out in the backyard, drinking and eating by the fire in the gazebo, then we moved inside for more drinking and our turkey feast. The finished the evening with more drinking and eating dessert, and playing Cranium and Taboo. I really did have fun and am thankful for all the amazing people in my life, and the laughter that we share.
This outfit is my black leather boots ($12 Value Village), jeggings ($18 Smart Set), Grey cowl neck sweater tunic (Winners) and my white Guess watch ($$$ :) ).

You are a champion in their eyes

Last night the boyfriend and I went shopping after work and hung out in the pet store. It makes me so depressed because the animals are mistreated in there, and I also want to take them all home with me so they can run wild and free in the animal kingdom that my house would become. Ah wishful thinking. I made boy dinner last night, and I must say I'm very pleased with my culinary talent. I didn't use a recipe at all, just asked my mom for rough instructions and ingredients for Chicken Divan:
2 chicken breasts
broccoli florets
cream of chicken soup
mayonaise
curry
shredded cheese.
Cut the chicken into big hunks, and cook halway in a frying pan, steam broccoli. Mix the soup, mayo, and curry together. Put the chicken in a casserole dish, put the broccoli on top, dump the mixture over everything then top with shredded cheese and pop it in the oven for 20 minutes at 350. Yum :) I also served with bean salad.


This outfit is pretty summery but I saw the dress and HAD to have it, it reminds me of the dress that Carrie wears in SATC when she goes to Paris with the Russian, and goes to his art show instead of her party ... but in a less fancy/not haute couture way.
Turquoise Club Monaco dress ($10 Value Village), woven leather belt (Value Village), woven leather flats ($7 Value Village), broken Carriage watch (stolen from KP's dresser).

dino love

So thankful for my friends today (as I am every day). But it really is true, you never know what you've got until it's gone, or at least until you're in fear of it.
One of my besties was hit by a car yesterday and we were all really freaked out. She was fine and the driver was charged but she's got a broken hand and a whole lot of bumps and bruises. She's a little trooper though, and didn't cry or feel sorry for herself, although idk how she's doing it because I'd be sooooo upset!
Anyways, we all love her and her roommates are the perfect people to be sick/injured with because they are all so compassionate and understanding (and medical messes themselves :P).
So yes, today I'm extra grateful for all my friends and how not only do I love them more than life itself, but we all, as a group love each other, and that's how we get through these fucked up situations.

tomorrow never comes

girls on top.
charcoal.
vanilla & brown sugar body mist.
zebra print.
70's bush.
klimt .
houseplants.
unassisted birth.
purple feather pen.
sandalwood incense.
ovulation.
scraped knees.
gold paint.
steel water bottle.
free parking.
elephants.

Anti-choice = anti-woman

This morning, Ruth Lobo (a girl who I actually met a couple times last year) decided to set up her disgusting display of bullshit in Carleton U's quad (against the uni's permission). Thank god she and her anti-choice group were arrested and taken away.
As a feminist, a woman, a sexual being, and most of all as a HUMAN, I am so offended by her anti-woman campaign.
Abortion is controversial, no woman WANTS to have an abortion, but for some women it is the only viable option, and for those women who need to have abortions, they have the right to safe, healthy, non-judgemental treatment.

Now, I've never heard of any pro-choicers going crazy and hurting anyone, but I sure as hell have heard about pro-"lifers" (aka anti-choicers) who have murdered doctors who perform abortions, and other such acts.

AN ENORMOUS FUCK YOU TO ALL YOU IGNORANT ANTI-CHOICERS. All I can hope is that someday you'll enlighten yourselves as to the basic human right of freedom of choice.

Spread the love, the freedom and the choice :) Copulate, don't populate <3