Oct 26, 2010

Old Age

So tomorrow is my 20th birthday. It's kind of scary to think about, I spent a lot of time worrying last week about how I've been on this earth for twenty fucking years, and have done nothing of any significance or importance to leave my mark .. well that isn't entirely true, I'm sure you can see my carbon footprint from Mars .. man I just remembered I left a light on downstairs, be right back... Okay we're good .. See what I mean? All I've done with my time here is take stuff for granted, and leave a bunch of filth trailing behind me. My boyfriend would tell me I'm have an existential crisis .. this happens to me possibly more than any one I know .. about once a month.
Twenty .. Five times four. Ten plus ten. Fourty divided by two. Nope, doesn't matter how you say it, it still freaks me out. I guess because this means that I actually have to start taking responsibility for myself; I don't mean in the way of owning up to when I break shit, and not doing illegal things as much, but I mean that I need to start being more independent. I guess moving away from home for the first time and going to the other side of the world is a pretty good start for independence. But as that day moves closer to me all I want to do is curl up under my duvet with my dog. I'm scared of growing up.
I didn't accomplish what I thought I would have in my teens, I mean partly I did, if those accomplishments mean having a bunch of amazing, terrible, wonderful, dangerous and stupid experiences with some equally amazing, terrible, wonderful, dangerous and stupid people. I sure do have a lot of stories to tell, just not right now ... maybe in another 20 years I'll look back on all of it and laugh, but right now I just hope that no one finds out about my ridiculous teenage years.
Speaking of teenage years, does this mean that the "best years of my life" have gone by? If they have then I'm grateful that I spent most of them with friends who have been there for me for years, friends who will be there for me for many more, but that's also kind of depressing .. I'm still looking forwards to things! I still want to travel (and I mean more than just do some backpacking and an exchange) I want to love my job, I want to write something, I want to buy a cottage, I want to have kids and grow a vegetable garden, I want to skinny dip, I want to see poisonous animals, I want to meet crazy people and eat crazy foods. I want to learn how to cook something without burning it.
I guess I just worry that my life won't really be remembered as anything significant, and obviously I'm kind of shallow in that it is important for me to feel like I've left something to the world. I guess that's kind of what this blog is about, a shameless self indulgence in narcissism.
But there are some things I have accomplished that I'm truly proud of: making friends who have become family, making family into friends, surviving some important and significant relationships, going on special trips such as New York City, Montreal, Mont Tremblant, Dominican Republic, Panama and Curacao, learning how to deal with the death of very special people, getting good grades in University even though I dicked off a lot in high school, finding something I am intensely passionate about, putting my fears about the pain of a break up aside in order to enjoy the love of an amazing man, being a cheerleading coach and a counsellor (both of which are awesome jobs), and not being afraid to express myself; even though I'm weird and many people won't like me.

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